Success does not consist in never making mistakes but in never making the same one a second time.

George Bernard Shaw

Now let's assume that you're marrying a new partner or moving in together and making a major commitment to them. What are some of the issues?

With the new partner, as I mentioned earlier, prepare them for some pushback and difficulty from your co-parent, so that's not a surprise. Make sure that you work together on dealing with those issues. Think of yourselves as a team in terms of dealing with a high-conflict co-parent, so that you're not undermining each other with your new relationship.

In terms of your co-parent, be prepared for the fact that a remarriage or major commitment to a new partner, such as living together, will trigger a lot of feelings for them. Even if the high-conflict co-parent initiated the separation or divorce from you, they still act as though you're the person who's abandoning or rejecting or criticizing them and they become very defensive at key times.

It’s important to think about what times of high risk or difficulty from your co-parent might be. Getting remarried is one of them, having a child with a new partner is another time of high risk for them – meaning repeating their high-conflict behaviour. Wanting to make changes legally, changes in the parenting plan, changes in child support, etc. are also times of high risk for upset behaviour from a high-conflict co-parent.

Each time you may think, “Oh good, I’m finally getting on with my life. Everything is taken care of,” those sometimes are when it’s most difficult for your co-parent to cope.

Think in terms of the step-by-step approach, easing them into knowing about changes in a matter-of-fact way and being prepared with your new partner to be able to cope with these things. That way, you’re together on what to do, rather than in conflict with your new partner over how to deal with your co-parent.